Hello

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Its crazy
How long we think of someone
We never met
Only saw
For a second
Or a minute
Or however long
We may have stared
Wondering
What’s their name?
What are they like?
How sweet is their voice
How intriguing are their eyes
Face to face
And not
Face behind wall
Only peeking
Here and there
And then we part
While never being together
And I creep back into my
Solitude
And wonder
What thoughts would be
Running through my mind now
If only
I had said
Hello

Without You

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What’s a world without you?
I’ve been to a place like that before…
It was so long ago,
At least it seems
I only faintly remember
The darkness
The cold
The hollow
The loneliness
The hopelessness
The feeling. . .
That feeling. . .
Sadness
Anger
Rage
Locked in a cage
Every day I wake
To torture
Abuse
Physically and mentally
Slandered
As if I wasn’t human
Like you
Like you’re supposed to be
Like I thought you were
Like you hoped to be
Why am I so deserving of this?
What is this flame
That sparks in your eyes
Engulfing your mind
To the point your hands are on me
And they turn red
But not from the flames
But from the sharpness of my screams
And from the breaking of my skin
And the spilling of my blood
Like the ink from a pen
What did I do?
What could I have possibly done
To make you so mad?
Is this worth it?
For either of us?
Leave me alone!
I’d scream to get a reply
With a fist to my mouth
Figuring it out
Is like wondering
Why the birds fly south
Or why they fly at all
Does it even matter?
Did I matter?
In that world you created…
Until I came across
A lost cause
Who hadn’t yet known
Their purpose
Was for me
I thank you for finding me
Or me finding you
Back when I couldn’t
Find a clue
And gave up on
Fighting through
Thank you
For this new life
This new world
For being the light in the tunnel
That shined my way through
A world without you
One I only hope to forget
Because even the faintest memories
Cut and burn me
The missing love
The yearning
For something
Or someone
I couldn’t see
I couldn’t name
It was you…
It was always you.
Cuz there is no world…
Without you

 

 

 

Aside from my passion and the depth of my love, I have no personal relation to this poem.  Although I have been through much pain and mental abuse, I have never been physically abused as implied in this poem.  There’s a lot of people out there that have gone through it though.  I just want you to know that you’re never alone.  There is ALWAYS a way out.  Maybe not now, not tomorrow or the next day, but someday.  You never know what life has in store for you.  Sometimes the answer to your prayers is in a stranger, who even when having no other intentions outside of this meeting, this first impression, turns out to be your world.  Your life.  Your salvation.  Keep an open mind and an open heart, and NEVER give up.  And I’m just a person like you, I’m available to talk for anyone who needs it or just feels like talking 🙂

Always with love ❤

What Happens…

Something happens…
When the smile fades
When your thoughts sway
When that look of love
Turns to a gaze
Lost in a translation
Translated by perception
And deceptive
Memories
In which from you
Failed to learn a lesson
Because you locked it away
And tossed the keys in the lake
In water too deep for you yo tread
So you’re forced to walk away
Forced to forget
What its like to be dead
Trying to fight these demons
That rip you to shreds
So what happens?
When those memories float
To the surface
And the wind blows it to shore
Knowing if you let them back
You’ll blow it for sure
Standing in front
Of the one you love
Wondering why he did
What he did
Or said
What he said
Or looked
How he looked
That brought it all back
Was it I love you?
Was it I don’t?
Was it the trade in electrical current between your hearts when he took ur hand
Before he spoke?
Was it that look
That in assuring you
Everything would be okay
His eyes tore into your soul
And brought back all the pain
What happens when you
Feel so numb
But your smile remains
And your thoughts race faster
Than the tears that
Stream from your face
What happens when you fall to your knees
But look up to see his tears follow the same path
And he lifts you up to kiss you
You realize you both share
The same past
He holds you close
You realize its Something neither of you ever felt
Two broken hearts full of love that neither of you ever held
So what happens now
When u see you’re not alone
When you see that you were wrong
When you said
Love was not a home
And he tells you its yours
And you tell him its his
I’ll tell you what happens
You just love
And let live

The Pain

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pain

They say the pain never lasts, but I feel it’s infinite.

You can distract yourself, run from it, till it gives up it’s pursuit of your consciousness and settles deep in that dark corner of your mind you force yourself never to return to.  Nevertheless, it’s there.  Faint, but there.  Withering, but there.  It never really leaves you.

There are no cells to tend to your emotions, as they would a bleeding wound.  There is no cream, no oil, no bandages to repair that pain.  Perhaps that pill that sits next to your glass of water every morning, yet you refuse to take it.  Perhaps that gun that sits on the nightstand next to your bed every night…

That’ll end the pain for sure, right?

Perhaps…As nothing is for certain.  All you seem to be certain of is that it will NEVER go away.  And you know all it takes is one thing.  One trigger.  One look, one smile, one word.  And EVERYTHING comes back.

That dark corner of your mind expands and becomes everything you tried to hide.  Everything you tried to forget.  Everything you KNOW.  And you realize all over again that it will never. go. away.

So anyone who says that the pain never lasts is lying to you and to themselves.  All we can really do is find a way to deal with it.  Focus more on the happy things in life.  We all have pain and always will, so you can either choose to control it, or let it control you.

 

I apologize for the dark note, just some thoughts I wrote down earlier… I’d love to hear anything anyone else thinks on the subject.

P.s.  This is not to say that nothing will ever get better in life or you’ll never recover emotionally from what you’re going through, but the point is above all else it has to be your CHOICE and you have to really WANT IT.  That’s the only way to ever deal with the pain we feel every day.  And if you need an ear, I’m always here to anyone reading this. ❤

R.I.P. Aaliyah <3

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Aaliyah Haughton was not only an amazing singer and talented actress, she made a much bigger impact on people.  She was so simple and beautiful, inside and out.  It’s been 15 years since her passing and her music still speaks to the world as it did before she died, including myself specifically.  I appreciate her so much.

I’m not here to give you a history lesson about her and her career, I just want to take this time to pay my respects in a few words, although words alone can’t describe the way I feel when I listen to her music.  My personal favorite, “I Miss You” has literally been on repeat all day for me.

As an artist myself, I can only hope to be as great as her and the people she came up with.  If she was still around today, R&B may be different.  I am honored to look up to her and consider her an inspiration.

I hope I make you proud babygirl!

 

R.I.P. Aaliyah ❤

 

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That Look

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Don’t look at me like that.
That look of hope,
That look of love,
That look of belief.
That look…
As if you want more for me
Than I want for myself,
Like you could believe in me
More than I believe in myself.
That look…
Like the wife of a sailor
Seeing her beloved off to sea,
Knowing beyond the doubt that
He would return,
In complete disregard
To the brewing storm
Overhead.
Maybe these waters are
A bit more troubled.
Maybe this storm
Is a hurricane.
Maybe I won’t make it back.
And I wont be everything you apparently
See in my eyes…
I wont,
I tell you.
I can’t,
I say.
But still,
Fathomless.
Still, unmoved.

Still,
That look.
That look that will haunt me.
That look that will
Cloud my mind
As shame would fill my heart
In the event of my failure.
Why did you have to look at me
Like that?
With that look…
That look that will lift me,
Lift me off my knees
And to my feet
And push me.
Push me back in the direction of everything
I told you
I couldn’t do.
I wont accept failure.
I cant.
I wont.
Because of that look…
The look of hope,
The look of love,
The look of belief.
That look like you want more for me
Than I want for myself…
Because you do.
That look like you believed in me
More than I believed in myself…
Because you did.
And now,
I will be
Everything you saw in me,
So long ago.
When you looked at me,
And I looked at you.
When I said,

I can’t.
And you said,
You will.

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This is just a poem I recently wrote and decided to post in hopes to inspire and/or motivate someone.  Always take advantage of opportunity, of your talent.  Don’t be afraid to be who you are.  You can be ANYTHING you want to be, no matter your situation.  There is always someone going though more than you are, that has less than you do.  So if you ever doubt yourself, remember this poem and imagine someone you don’t want to let down.  Most of all, remember the person you CAN’T let down…YOU.

Hello Blogging World!

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IMG_20160426_211731Good Evening!…Infidels!

You may be wondering who I am…or you may not be…but for those of you that ARE, look no further than the picture above!

That’s me!  And a Parrot, whose name I forgot, although it was great at repeating it.  Over, and over, and over again.  Look at it, so cute (in a bird way), so innocent looking (also in a bird way, if that’s a thing).  Believe it or not, this parrot was a deranged psychopath bird and I was terrified.  But hey, we both did well to take a nice picture!

Well, as you may see by the title and my awkward introduction, I’m new to the blogging world, so I don’t actually have much of a clue what I’m doing.  But I hear people talking about it and read a lot of blogs myself so I thought “Why not try it out?”.

So here I am, trying.  Plus, as a hip-hop producer and song-writer, I figured maybe it’d be a good way to grow my fan base and show my fans a different side of me.  I am also a fan myself, so I’ll be talking about the music I like to listen to as well!

If you want to know some more about me, you can visit my website, follow me on twitter or instagram, or just keep reading my blogs!  For starters, I go by the name of Ra-Speaks a.k.a. Dark Matter, or simply Aliel.

Stay tuned for more! ^_^